Thursday, February 18, 2010

Winks Thinks: The Weir Here, Weir Queer Edition

This whole Winter Olympics has got me feeling a little awkward lately. As in Johnny Weir awkward. I'm going to be honest with you, I'm about as straight as they come (please hold back your comments), but there is something strangely captivating about the male figure skating Johnny Weir. I mean he's so flamboyant he makes Adam Lambert look like Wilt Chamberlain. Lame reference, I know, but you get the idea. This dude is gay.

Despite this, I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down since I watched him skate during the Winter Olympics on Tuesday night. You know those things in your life that you hate so much that you end up obsessing over them? That's how I feel about Johnny Weir right now. He's just such a flaming douchebag, so unnecessarily flamboyant, so awkwardly mysterious, yet he's all I've been thinking about the last 48 hours. I don't know what it is, but he's having the same effect on me that Mango used to have on the guest hosts of Saturday Night Live in the mid-90's.

He's skating again on Thursday, and despite both the Badgers and Marquette being on the ESPN family of networks at the same time, there's no way I'm going to miss Weir skate in primetime. The way he skates, the way he moves, the gay little smile he gives us at the end that I sometimes pretend he's giving to just me, it's something I just have to see. And this angers me.

But that's what the Winter Olympics have done to me so far. For the last six weeks, and even in last week's column, I have been all talk about how I don't care whatsoever about the Winter Olympics outside of maybe U.S. Men's hockey. Yet here we are, one week in, and I couldn't be more about them. Sure, I'm not as crazy as my roommate Bear who actually set his alarm for 3am the other night so that he could awake and watch the results of a curling match on CNBC, but I'm getting pretty invested. I'm taping things during the day to watch them after I get home from work, I've become a huge fan of people I didn't know before these games starting such as Seth Wescott, and I'm even rooting for people I've previously said I didn't care about such as Shaun White and Lindsay Vonn.

But doesn't this kind of thing happen every time with the Olympics? I still don't feel that the Olympics have the same sort of appeal that they did when I was younger, but that's because I was more impressionable as a child. Still, it's foolish for me to think that I'm above watching the Olympics. Sure, some of these sports are things that I would never want to watch regularly, but when they are on every four years it's pretty easy to get into them and follow the athletes. Plus, the Olympics are basically on 24 hours a day for two weeks. That's something I can definitely get behind, especially since February is usually a slower month for sports anyway.

Now, with that being said, their has been a amount of criticism regarding NBC's coverage of the Olympics, with the biggest issue being the fact that many of the events are still on tape delay. On any given night that you and your family sit down to watch the Olympics, it's a good bet that half of the things you've seen have happened already. On Wednesday night for example, I watched Lindsay Vonn capture the Gold a good half day after it already happened, which was fine for me because I hadn't yet heard the results anywhere else.

Sometimes that's not always the case though. On Monday of this week for example, I spent a good majority of the afternoon falling in love with the sport of the Snowboard Cross, watching the qualifying rounds with great anticipation of the semifinals which were to be aired later that evening. In the qualifying rounds, each snowboarder runs down the hill solo, but during the semifinals they go four people at a time. If I thought the solo runs were exciting, then I couldn't given imagine how cool I would think the four man runs would be. Well unfortunately, in the middle of the afternoon I decided to look online to see the names of all the qualifiers for the semifinals, but instead I was directed to a page that gave me the results of said semifinals, and I even found out already that my boy Seth Wescott went on to win the Gold. Kind of ruined the whole experience of watching these Olympics "live".

It's NBC's strategy to hold off on some of the events because the viewing audience is going to be higher in primetime, I get that. Why would they want to show Lindsay Vonn live in the middle of the day when they know they can grab more ratings in the evening? There strategy seems to be paying off too, as the ratings for these Olympics have been higher in the United States than they have been in quite some time. So even though there are many people that would like to watch the events live as they occur (as we can with virtually any other sport that is broadcast in this country), NBC changes the rules a little bit during the Olympics.

You'd think though that maybe NBC could show the events live and then again in primetime to satisfy both audiences, but perhaps that would take the allure out of showing these events in primetime at all. But I'm a guy that has a few days of during the week usually, and I'd rather watch the events live during the day instead of at night after they've already happened, instead of during primetime where the clips are sliced between action of flamboyant male figure skaters (except for the insatiable Johnny Weir, of course).

So even if NBC is satisfied with the way they are broadcasting the Olympics, there is one major flaw. On NBC, most of the day is spent broadcasting the Olympics of course, but there are select moments during the day where they break for local news. The local news wants to make sure they retain the massive audiences that come with the Olympics, so obviously they spend a majority of their newscast talking about the games. What's wrong with that? Well, THEY SPOIL THE RESULTS OF THE EVENTS NBC IS HOLDING FOR PRIMETIME! Where the hell is the logic in that?

The Peacock is also pretty strict in the way other networks can use Olympic highlights as well, and when ESPN does want to share with us some news during SportsCenter, they're forced to show quick graphics taken by the Associated Press for about less than one minute and then they move on. This stipulation is especially awful on the day before and after the NBA All-Star game, because ESPN is left to fill the hour with a bunch of talk and fodder, including of course updates about whether or not Brett Favre's milkman thinks he'll be returning to the Vikings (and the obsession with mentioning him in every Winks Thinks continues).

Those are just some minor complaints from a coach potato's perspective about the Olympics, but I don't want to ignore that the fact that these have been a very entertaining Games so far. The Americans are coming through in the clutch and winning Gold in many of the individual sports, and the American hockey teams are looking strong in their opening games. The curling program has been struggling, making watching these three hour contests a complete waste of time whether you watch them during the day or decided to wake up in the middle of the night for them. Either way, I'm glad I let my position down and I've been thoroughly enjoying these Olympics.


Yeah, so that exists. The best thing about porn is always the titles they come up with, and how the plotlines of the particular movie briefly match their title description. Examples: Fleshdance, Super Size Meat, and The 69th Sense. But this Seinfeld video is a little different, as it's an actual parody. There are a few more of these XXX parodies out there too, anything from Scrubs, That 70's Show, to Friends.

The reason I bring this up in the first place is because of Evan Stone. When my roommate was watching a porno the other night - just watching, mind you - I freaked out because I recognized one of the actors. I don't know, I've watched a few porns in my days - just watched, mind you - but I can't really remember recognizing anyone. The guy I recalled was Evan Stone, and I'm sure enough would recognize him if you saw him. He's hard to miss, the guy has been in nearly 800 adult films since he first started in 1998, including the role of the "Porn Nazi" in the above video.

The life of a porn star has to be quite the experience. Appearing in almost 800 films has to help bring home a good amount of money, which isn't bad for a guy who has said, "I never sought porn. It found me." There's gotta be the downfalls though too, I mean there's no way this guy is clean and regular sex can't be all that exciting for him anymore. Plus, you got the fact that he's being immortalized on a column written by some loser blogger. So can being a porn star really be all that great? I'm going to vote yes on account of all the money and naked chicks.

God Bless You, Evan Stone.


Lastly, I know that in the past I've bought up my hatred for the act of honking, but never have I experienced a situation like the one I just did right before I posted this. On my way to the bank in wonderful North Fond du Lac, I had a made a left hand turn from the main drag onto a side street. A green SUV then preceded to honk at me. It wasn't one of the friendly, "Hey, I know that guy" honks, it was more of the "Fuck you, asshole" variety. Enraged because I hate getting honked at, I put the brakes on and sat there, honking in upset fashion. And that was the end of the story.

Unless it wasn't. Just as I was headed into the bank parking lot, the green SUV had found me, and was honking at me as if to pull over. I didn't know this guy, there was nothing wrong with my car, this guy was coming after me. I pulled into the parking lot, he pulled in. I pulled out of the parking lot, he went to pull out. Thankfully there was some traffic on the street and I was able to lose him. This is why people shouldn't honk unless a) they do know somebody or b) it's a life or death situation. What if the guy had caught up to me? We could have had a verbal argument, or worse, about something as stupid as honking. I hope that douchebag enjoys his evening tonight thinking about how he almost had me. What a dick.

(I also hope he doesn't read The Bucky Channel, because in that case I've just been outed. Something tells me that's not too likely.)

That'll do it for this week. Usually I'd put my WWE Pay-Per-View predictions here, but they are doing a terrible job of filling out the card for the Elimination Chamber, so that will have to be it's separate post this weekend (sorry for that). Enjoy The Hours.

See you at MacLaren's Pub...


Admiral Ackbar, S.J. said...

yep. I miss wink thinks in the drink.

Good stuff Bart.

cc said...

Nice work Winks! It should be see you at JR's for Bears bday. Asshole!

Brew Town Boozer said...

I believe that feeling you have when Johnny skates is love.

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