Friday, March 26, 2010

Brewers Pitchers Catching Suppanitis

Anyone remember this little guy? He was the monkey who ended up biting a then-unknown Patrick Dempsey in the movie "Outbreak", thus spreading the Ebola Virus and nearly leading to the end of the human race. Well Brewers fans, when it comes to our starting pitching, Jeff Suppan is that monkey. And he's looking to take out the entire staff.

Suppan has an ERA of 7.71 in Spring Training, a time when many of the batters he faces are backups, maybe Triple-A guys. He has been so bad, but yet remains in the discussion for being in the starting rotation. Interestingly enough, as soon as the talk of him getting cut starting getting stronger, Suppan went all Ebola on us and has infected the rest of the staff.

He hit Doug Davis earlier in the week, as Double-D pitched a terrible game. He got Manny Parra too, but sources say Parra may have had the disease for quite some time. Then Suppan struck Yovani Gallardo on Friday, as Gallardo gave up six runs off eight hits in three innings of work for Milwaukee in their 9-4 loss to the Padres. He attacking the pitchers one by one, because the worse that everyone else looks, the better Jeff Suppan appears.

"Look, I know that I signed a fluke contract with Milwaukee, but who else was going to give me that kind of money?" Suppan asked, while escaping from the formerly married couple of Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo. "I also know that I deserved to be cut this season, but my hefty paycheck is going to keep me alive. Instead of taking the high road, why the infect the rest of the team with my terrible skills, or lack thereof. Why not at least try to make myself look better in the process?"

Thankfully, there is a cure for Suppanitis, and that this the releasing of him from his contract. It's not going to be an inexpensive task - removal costs are going to be at least $12 million. But the monkey has to be caught before he can be dealt with.

So please, Doug Melvin. Please find your daughter playing with the monkey that is Jeff Suppan in your backyard. Tranquilize the shit out of him, and get him out of Milwaukee.


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